Category Archives: Men

That’s Gonna Leave a Mark

I was skimming through the inter-tubes awhile back, which is a frequent routine – catching up on current events, checking out stories related to my favorite sports teams, looking for funny stuff, etc – when I came across one particular news story that made me laugh and grab my crotch at the same time…

Angry wife jailed after biting husband’s you-know-what
from the Orlando Sentinel – December 23, 2008


A 27-year-old Deltona woman told authorities she bit her husband’s penis because she didn’t want to have sex with him.

Charris Bowers was arrested Saturday by a Volusia County sheriff’s deputy, accused of misdemeanor battery. A judge set her free Sunday without requiring her to post bail.

Her husband, Delou Bowers, today would not comment.

According to a sheriff’s office report, the Bowerses had been to a bar Friday night. Delou Bowers told authorities that when they got home, his wife began to perform oral sex on him but then began to bite his penis.

He tried to stop her, he told a deputy, but she kept at it. He then began to punch her in the head and pushed her to the floor, and she let go, according to the arrest report.

Charris Bowers gave the officer two versions of what happened. She first said she was sitting on the couch when her husband walked over and put his penis in her mouth, according to the report.

“She then bit it to get him away from her,” the report said.

She later said her husband walked over with his penis exposed, and she bit it.

Either way, the deputy saw the injury, photographed it then arrested Mrs. Bowers.

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I feel sorry for both the victim, Mr. Bowers, and the cop.  No man should ever have his junk bitten, nor should any man have to see and/or photograph a chewed-up schlong.  As for Mrs. Bowers, I’d like to give her a piece of valuable knowledge that I obtained from McGruff, the Crime Dog:  take a bite out of crime, not the other way around.

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Don’t Cry Because It’s Over; Smile Because It Happened

Hey baby,

I can’t believe how hard it has been for me to get up the nerve to write this letter; one would think we’ve been together for years. Just try to keep the big picture in mind when you read what I’m about to say. I mean, it really has only been four and a half months since I first laid eyes on you. Yes, we have spent a lot of time together – don’t think for a minute that I don’t cherish those shared moments, or that I’ll soon forget them. You were always there for me when I needed you. You were always warm, and comforting. Trust me when I tell you that it’s not you – it’s me.

If only I had more space – that’s what I need; more space. I’ve looked at every possible angle to see if there was any way I could somehow keep you in my life, but it just wouldn’t make sense. I don’t want to force something that just isn’t there. Life is funny in that way…we used to fit together like a couple of puzzle pieces, but now it’s seems that we are destined to go our separate ways.

I still remember the first time I laid eyes on you: you were sitting there, looking beautiful (as usual), the light above highlighting your smooth, mocha-colored shape. I knew I had to have you in that very instant. It wasn’t long after that, that I was carrying you into my house; remember that night? Of course you do, it was our first together – the first of many. It was magical. Remember when I fell asleep watching The Three Amigos, and I woke up in the middle of the night, drooling on you? I should have been embarrassed, but I wasn’t, because you always made me feel so comfortable. I thank you for that.

So how did we end up here? I’m not sure, but it surely saddens me. I was going to say that maybe you should consider seeing other people, but I don’t think would be fair, or completely honest of me. I don’t want to can’t see you any more. You have to move on. But don’t worry, I know you’re going to be OK. You’re beautiful in every way – I’m sure there’s somebody out there for you who can care for you in a way that I cannot.

Love Always,
Luke

I’m going to be moving in a few months, I’m buying a house and moving back to the town I call “home”. This past December, I bought a new sectional sofa; however, due to the measurements of the home I’m going to be moving into, I can’t take said sofa with me – it won’t fit in my new living room. This is a letter to my sofa.

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Filed under Funny, humor, Life, Love, Men, Relationships, Women