Category Archives: Life

Up Chunk

Living with roommates has it’s advantages and disadvantages, and these pros and cons must be considered carefully before you enter into such a living situation.  Luckily for you, the reader, I have had many different roomies over the years.  Using this experience, I’ve come up with a little list of some positives and negatives for you to weigh to help you make the right decision:

  • Cost of living is greatly reduced by splitting rent/bills…
  • But your level of stress is greatly increased because your roommate never has his portion on time and regularly needs you to cover his ass,  and he knows you will because the lease is only in your name, not his, and he knows you actually care about your credit rating and whether or not you get evicted.
  • You always have someone to hang out with…
  • Like when you bring your date home after dinner to watch a movie and there is your out-of-shape roommate sitting on the couch watching television in nothing but his boxer briefs.  You give him a hint by asking if you can use the TV/DVD player, hoping he’ll retreat to his room, and he responds with “sure, what are we watching?”  No second date.
  • Roommate has a hot sister and/or friends…
  • Not only does he not have a hot sister, his girlfriend is an ugly, loud-mouthed pothead who just walks in whenever she comes over and likes to talk about making pot brownies no matter who is around.
    Or, in another nightmarish scenario, you had previously dated your roommate’s current girlfriend, as he saw no problem in aggressively pursuing her once you had stopped dating.  Hearing them do it is just gross.
  • You have someone to help with chores…
  • Or so you thought.  Not only are you cleaning up after your dogs, but your roommate likes to throw cigarette butts all over the yard – butts you discover while cutting the grass, a chore that he agreed would be his.
  • Roommate has nicer furniture than you…
  • Or, your roommate comes into the arrangement with nothing but an end table full of flea market trinkets.  Out of pity you purchase him a used futon to sleep on, which he quickly ruins by falling asleep on it while watching TV with a huge plate of cherry cheesecake in his lap.  Who knew dessert could make such a sweet pillow!
  • Roommate likes to cook dinner for the house…
  • Maybe he will, or maybe your roommate will  sit around and eat the food you bought, and then play dumb whenever you ask him where your last can of Chef Boyardee is.  And maybe you’ll actually find the can, if you look hard enough – empty, in the trash can in his room.
  • Roommate lets you borrow his cool car…
  • If only he had one (a car, that is).  After totaling his car, he constantly calls you for a ride to or from work.  He knows you’ll do it because you need him to be earning so he can give you $100 of that $350 he owes you for rent on time.
  • Social life enhanced by your roommate’s partying…
  • Your sleep time is depleted when you are suddenly awakened at 5 AM on a Saturday by loud scary music coming from the living room.  Upon investigation, you discover that one of the “Nightmare on Elm Street” movies is playing on the big screen TV with the surround sound cranked to eleven.  Better yet, your still-partying roommate and his loser friends aren’t even watching it; they’re in the hallway participating in a drunken wrestling match which is beginning to border on total gayness.
  • You get a discount at your roommate’s place of employment…
  • Nothing is more satisfying than a half-priced, cold cheeseburger from a fast food place fifteen miles away.
  • Your roommate can let your dogs out when you’re not home…
  • Especially since he just got fired and he’s home all the time, but hey, that would require consideration and a little bit of common sense. After all, they’re your dogs, not his. Besides, he’s probably still be upset because you have dogs (which you had before he moved in), but you won’t let him get a pet snake (you told him no pets before he moved in, and even so, you allowed a pet turtle at one point, which one of your dogs killed because he had left the turtle crawling around the backyard.  Out of guilt, you got him another one, which died a week later because he left it in an aquarium in the back yard and it rained – the turtle drowned).  But wait – then he surprises you.  Any time your dogs make a mess, he lays a paper towel on it.  What a guy!
  • Roommate’s girlfriend has hot friends…
  • Not unless you think 16 and 17-year-olds are hot.  Do you tell your thirty-year-old roommate that he shouldn’t be dating someone ten years younger than he is?  After all, you’re his roommate, not his dad.
    Or you could find yourself in this gem of a situation:  your roommate’s girlfriend DOES have hot friends, and after a night of partying at your house, your roommate is banging one of them in the garage while his girlfriend (the girl you previously dated) is passed out drunk in their bedroom.  Now you’re forced into keeping the secrets of one friend from another, which is always a guaranteed good time.

Now, there is no reason to freak out.  If you are careful during your screening process and don’t jump into a situation too quickly, you should be fine.  I do have just one piece of advice:  don’t room with anyone who goes by the name “Chunk” or with anyone who has a friend who goes by the name “Chunk.”  Over time I’ve discovered that if a majority of a person’s friends go by nicknames, they’re probably not the type of crowd you want to be involved in.

My roommate had such a friend (I still don’t know his real name to this day).  Chunk was a big guy.  We’re talking 6’2″ or 6’3″ and easily pushing 300 pounds.  He was a little too friendly and a little too talkative, and I don’t think his elevator went to the top floor.  He always carried around a huge 52 oz. thermos-type mug filled with water, and he usually showed up with a Taco Bell bag containing enough food to feed {an army/an entire family of Mexicans/my uncle}.  Chunk would come over and disappear into my roommate’s room for long periods of time.  I know my roommate smoked weed and I’m pretty sure Chunk was his supplier.  Knowing that I wasn’t cool with it, roommate kept that part of his life away from me for the most part.  The thing about Chunk was, once he came over, you had to practically kick him out or else he would never leave.  Sometimes he would finish his food and pass out on the couch, and we would have to wake him up and kick him out.  Sometimes I would suddenly find myself alone with him in the living room, suffering through a pointless conversation that he would continually push.  My roommate would be hiding in his room laughing at the situation, and I’d have to go get him to make up an excuse so that Chunk would leave (i.e. we have to go to sleep now or whatever).  I’m just too polite, and he wasn’t my company – I didn’t feel comfortable telling him to leave.  These were all only small annoyances, however – small compared to what happened next.

One night Chunk came over and picked up my roommate.  They were about to go downtown to drink and hit on girls. I had to work at six the next morning (not that I would have ever have hung out with Chunk in public anyway), so I wished them a good time and retired to the couch.  I eventually fell asleep there, which was not unusual.  Around four in the morning, I was half-awakened by the sound of giggling and the rattling of keys.  This went on for several minutes.  It sounded as if they were too intoxicated and uncoodinated to get the key in the door to unlock it, and I remember thinking wow, they’re completely wasted. I drifted back into dreamland.

All of a sudden, I was violently awakened by the full force of someone flopping themselves on top of me.  I couldn’t move, and I could barely breathe.  It was pitch black.  I was laying on my back, and the person on top of me was also laying on his back with his head coming right up to my neck.  It was my roommate, trying to be funny because he was drunk.  Still in a daze from the previous slumber I had just been pulled out of, I began squirming and pushing on his head.  I quickly realized that the person on top of me was not my roommate because one, roommate has a shaved head and I was pushing on a moptop, and two, I was pinned by something very large, something my roommate was not.  That something was Chunk.

I started screaming “W.T.F?” and “get him the f*ck off of me!”  Before I even got that last sentence out I simultaneously noticed two more things:  Chunk was dead weight, making no effort whatsoever to remove himself from my body, and I thought I had just heard some sort of gurgling sound.  This was immediately followed by the feeling of warm, gooey liquid flowing over my neck and shoulders and soaking into the couch cushions below me.  I began screaming, gagging, and pushing all at once… still no sign of Roommate.  Another gurgle, more warm liquid.  Roommate finally noticed my cries I guess because the lights came on and Roommate asked Chunk what he was doing.  I impatiently explained in a pissed off manner as Roommate helped him off of me so that I could get up.  Now alone on the couch and on his stomach so he didn’t choke to death, the appropriately-named Chunk threw up some more.

Unable to raise Chunk on the phone the next day in order to get him to come over and clean his vomit, I spent the entire afternoon trying to salvage my couch, hosing off the cushions in the driveway and letting them air dry.  I went out and bought a couch cover which ended up not really fitting right, either.  Roommate apologized profusely, but I told him Chunk wasn’t allowed over again until he apologized and gave me $100 for the cleaning I had to do and the couch cover I had to buy.  Roommate came home a couple of weeks later with $40 from Chunk.  I got the remaining $60 six months later when he unexpectedly showed up at the house.  Luckily for him, enough time had passed that my anger had subsided, thanks in part to my brand new couch.

In summary, when searching for a roommate it is important to be thorough when screening potential candidates.  Interview them, ask tough questions, and make sure you have a little something in common.  You can even do a background check if you deem it necessary.  Just make sure they don’t have a friend named Chunk.

4 Comments

Filed under Animals, Food, Friends, Funny, How To, humor, Jobs, Life, Lists, People, Relationships

That’s Gonna Leave a Mark

I was skimming through the inter-tubes awhile back, which is a frequent routine – catching up on current events, checking out stories related to my favorite sports teams, looking for funny stuff, etc – when I came across one particular news story that made me laugh and grab my crotch at the same time…

Angry wife jailed after biting husband’s you-know-what
from the Orlando Sentinel – December 23, 2008


A 27-year-old Deltona woman told authorities she bit her husband’s penis because she didn’t want to have sex with him.

Charris Bowers was arrested Saturday by a Volusia County sheriff’s deputy, accused of misdemeanor battery. A judge set her free Sunday without requiring her to post bail.

Her husband, Delou Bowers, today would not comment.

According to a sheriff’s office report, the Bowerses had been to a bar Friday night. Delou Bowers told authorities that when they got home, his wife began to perform oral sex on him but then began to bite his penis.

He tried to stop her, he told a deputy, but she kept at it. He then began to punch her in the head and pushed her to the floor, and she let go, according to the arrest report.

Charris Bowers gave the officer two versions of what happened. She first said she was sitting on the couch when her husband walked over and put his penis in her mouth, according to the report.

“She then bit it to get him away from her,” the report said.

She later said her husband walked over with his penis exposed, and she bit it.

Either way, the deputy saw the injury, photographed it then arrested Mrs. Bowers.

—–

I feel sorry for both the victim, Mr. Bowers, and the cop.  No man should ever have his junk bitten, nor should any man have to see and/or photograph a chewed-up schlong.  As for Mrs. Bowers, I’d like to give her a piece of valuable knowledge that I obtained from McGruff, the Crime Dog:  take a bite out of crime, not the other way around.

2 Comments

Filed under Animals, Funny, humor, Life, Love, Men, News, People, Relationships, Women

Bathroom Etiquette

I met some family for lunch about a week ago, and I had to use the bathroom before we left the restaurant.  The toilet trip got me thinking (what else do you do in the bathroom?), so I thought I’d share a few very basic rules that a man must follow when using a public bathroom:

1.  If there are less than two of any combination of toilets/urinals and all are taken, wait outside of the bathroom until someone comes out.

2.  Never speak to or look at your neighbor while relieving yourself at the urinal.  This is no time for small talk.

3.  If there is a bathroom attendant, wash the willy off of your hands even if you don’t have a dollar to give him.  I don’t want to indirectly touch your junk as I open the door to leave.

4.  Always courtesy flush.

5.  Check for toilet paper before sitting, not after.  It could cost you a pair of underwear.

6.  Don’t talk on your cell phone while in the stall.  That’s just weird.

7.  Lock your stall door.  Not everyone looks underneath for a pair of feet.

8.  Acknowledge and/or obey any and all signs posted, such as “out of order,” “wet floor,” or the sign I happened upon during my bathroom trip:

I feel really bad for whoever is in charge of emptying trash cans, but hey – rules are rules.

7 Comments

Filed under Food, Funny, humor, Life, Lists

Something’s Fishy Here

It’s no secret that we Americans are the fattest and most impatient people on the face of the Earth, a deadly combination.  Everything we eat is pre-packaged, processed, frozen, or fast.  Nothing is fast enough for us, and everything is we do wastes time that could be spent doing something else that we think is important.  I almost don’t have time to write this blog because I’m having a Big Mac attack.

A few years ago, it was realized through the media that we have become a fast food nation and that far too many of our children are obese – we’re talking epidemic proportions here.  Super-sized, if you will.  Speaking of which, this was also the time period that the independent documentary “Supersize Me” was released.  It was because of this static that most of the fast food chains began releasing nutritional information and adding healthy (okay, healthy-er) food items to their menus.

Let’s not kid ourselves, this was only to save face while under pressure from the public and the media – we needed help to not be so fat (because we don’t have the willpower to stop eating something named Big & Tasty).  Consequently, McDonald’s adds an entire salad menu, yogurt, low fat ice cream; they also serve milk and orange juice, but not in a 32 oz. like the soft drinks.  Most of the other chains followed suit, offering an array of salads, deli-style sandwiches, and alternative drink options.  The static slowly decreased, and you don’t hear much these days about the obesity problem this country still has.

The truth is, people who like McDonald’s Double Cheeseburgers aren’t going to suddenly start ordering the Premium Asian Salad with Grilled Chicken.  I mean, come on – it doesn’t even come with fries.  I also suspect that a salad connoisseur isn’t going to ditch Crispers, Sweet Tomatoes, or Panera for a McSalad.

My favorite part of all of this are the new menu items that appear to be a healthier option, but aren’t.  While doing some birthday shopping for Girlfriend in the mall yesterday, I stumbled across one such item (I won’t go into how I ended up in the vicinity).  May I present to you Long John Silver’s new Ultimate Flatbreads!  I’m sure you’re at least aware of their staple item, the deep-fried fish fillet with extra crunchy things.  Now that I think of it, almost all of their items are deep-fried with extra crunchy things (except the cole slaw – yuck).  Now, with the creation of the new Ultimate Flatbreads, LJS now has something for everybody.

I’m sure you’ve seen those fresh-looking gyro sandwiches and pita bread sandwiches that are available at your healthier establishments and deli’s, right?  Wipe the drool from your mouth and picture this:  a round piece of flat pita bread, stuffed with lettuce, bacon pieces, melted cheese, and your choice of a deep-fried fish filet or several deep-fried shrimp (not sure about the extra crunchy things).  Can you believe it?  They managed to make their staple item look heatlhier while actually adding calories to it.  It’s like a fried fish taco.  Genius.

3 Comments

Filed under Culture, Food, Funny, humor, Life, People, Restaurants

Hump Day

Wednesday is known as “hump day,” but it’s not to be taken for its literal meaning. Tell that to my dogs, Gizmo (Papillon) and Baby Bear (Border Collie-mix).

The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.

Music soothes the savage beast, doggy-style.

4 Comments

Filed under Animals, Funny, humor, Life, Love, Nature, Relationships, Video

“The Only Good Bug Is a Dead Bug”

Have any of you seen the movie “Starship Troopers?” It’s a science fiction movie about mankind’s battle against these giant alien bugs; ironically enough, the goal of The Bugs is to exterminate us (“us” being human beings, in case you thought I was something else – you wouldn’t be the first).

Before I go any further, I must make a statement: I hate bugs.

Since moving into my new home, I’ve twice come across the dead carcass of a strange insect on my kitchen floor. Legs curled up into itself, much like a dead spider, it was difficult to tell what this bug was or what it looked like when it was alive. I figured that each bug had fallen victim to one of my five Pest-Eating Tailed-Sentinels. Even my 50 lb. Border Collie mix, Bear, loves a good cat-and-mouse with a fly. Still, I shudder to think what I might do should I look to my left and see one of these mystery creatures standing on my shoulder trying to decide which part of my face to attack first.

Last week, I had satellite TV installed at my house. Shortly afterwards, I purchased an antenna to install on my roof so that I could also view my local channels in High-Definition, something not available through satellite TV companies (yes, I’m a technology dork). I installed the antenna no problem, and I neatly ran the cable along different parts of the house in order to get to the bottom without it being very noticeable. After drilling a hole into the cement block at the base of the house near the living room, it was time to run the cable into the crawlspace (a.k.a The Dungeon) and then up through the living room floor and into the back of my cable box. One thing remained between me and endless nights of viewing entertainment: physically crawling into The Dungeon to complete the job.

Already wearing some old jeans and a t-shirt, I added the headlamp (a little flashlight attached to a headband) to my attire and was ready to go. I grabbed my drill and my camera, turning the video “on” on the camera. With Girlfriend out of town, I wanted there to be evidence of what befell me should I be found laying underneath my house, dead, in a puddle of my own blood and piss (yes, I watch too many horror movies).

I crawled through the first hole, a rectangle no more than three feet wide, I’m guessing. Underneath the master bathroom, and I began my crawl to the furthest opposite corner of the house: the living room area. Parts of The Dungeon were simple to traverse, with enough room to comfortably crawl as a baby would. However, because of the uneven grade of the ground, various wiring, piping, and A/C duct work, there were times that I found myself belly-to-the-ground crawling military style. The ground was damp and cool. I passed the master bedroom, another bathroom, and made it to the front bedroom without incident. I took a left and headed towards the underbelly of the living room. After moving a few feet, I was stopped dead in my tracks by this:

Continue reading

12 Comments

Filed under Funny, How To, humor, Life, Movies, Nature, Personal

Time to Face the Music

Matt posted a survey about the music we as individuals listen to, what it says about each of us, and if we should even care (you can read it here). I would be put into the ‘Don’t Care’ category, but also in the sub-category of ‘Conscious Selector.’ If I had a co-worker in my car or a friend’s kids over for dinner, I most definitely would not put my iPod on shuffle in the background out of fear that “F#@k Her Gently” by Tenacious D would be the next track chosen. A simple solution to avoiding a potentially uncomfortable musical moment such as this is to take advantage of your iPod’s playlist feature (or other mp3 player – I’m really not a digital snob, I swear), or to simply turn on the radio, you know, if you still own a piece of that technology. However, just make sure it’s regular terrestrial radio (AM/FM) and not uncensored satellite radio, unless, of course, you’ve purposely selected a safe channel like Siriusly Sinatra (from Sirius Satellite – not a misspeling); I’ve never heard it, but something tells me that Road Dog Trucker Radio might not be a good choice (yes, that’s an actual channel). Okay, on to the questions…

If someone new were in your car, what song on your player would you be quickest to skip out of embarrassment: You might think that the previously mentioned Tenacious D song would be my answer here, but it’s not. While potentially offensive or inappropriate in certain situations, it is a well-written, beautiful acoustic medley that might go unnoticed playing in the background. I say this because I have another song that could not sneak by one’s ears inconspicuously, and that song is “A Medium Pace” by Adam Sandler (read the lyrics at your own risk).

What song or songs is/are most “atypical” on your player? The answer would have to be “Stairway to Heaven.” I’m a rock guy, so that doesn’t really make any sense, does it? Well, you didn’t let me finish. “Stairway to Heaven” by Rockabye Baby!. You know those various music boxes and toys for toddlers that play goodnight songs to send them off to sleep peacefully? Well, it’s “Stairway to Heaven,” like that. Be right back, I need to delete something.

What song(s) on your player turns you on? I don’t think a song has ever turned me on in the way this question is asking. Being a musician, I get turned on by certain songs in a different way. I can’t even narrow that one down to songs, but some bands that have “turned me on” with mulitple compositions are Coldplay, Metallica, Alice in Chains, Frank Sinatra, Nirvana – I’ll stop there, I could go on for quite awhile. Incidentally, listing Coldplay here doesn’t make me gay since I listed Metallica right after that – they cancel each other out.

If you wanted to get a member of the opposite sex in the mood, what song would you program to come on when they are in the car? “Tootsie Roll” by the 69 Boyz. Wait, sorry, that’s my answer to “Name a song that shares its name with a chewy brown candy.” I’d have to say “Dig” by Incubus.

What is the longest song on your player? Clocking in at 13:46, the longest song on my iPod is the classic “Do You Feel Like I Do?” by Peter Frampton. It’s a good one to listen to if you’re going somewhere that is 13:56 away from your house.

What do you think is the silliest song on your player? “Trapped In The Drive-Thru” by Weird Al Yankovich. This might be the funniest song he ever recorded.

What did you most recently add to your player? I added 74 songs by the Christian parody band ApologetiX, with the intention of burning CD’s for my very religious dad and sister. I found them by accident, but it’s pretty funny if you’re into that kind of thing. Picture Weird Al doing what he does now, except he’d also be a preacher. Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistible” was remade into “Sin Can Be Resistible.” You get the idea.

What did you most recently delete? “Girl You Know It’s True” by Milli Vanilli. I don’t need to explain why I deleted it, but maybe I should explain how it ended up on my iPod in the first place. Well, several months ago Girlfriend and I were trying to think of all of the one-hit wonders we could think of and were proceeding to download them and… nevermind. There is NO good excuse for having Milli Vanilli on your mp3 player, unless you are one of the two guys seen lip-syncing in the music video.

What is your favorite song on your player that is from a movie? “If I Didn’t Care” by The Ink Spots, from the movie The Shawshank Redemption (also one of my all-time favorite movies). I absolutely love 40’s big band/swing music, and this is a fairly new passion. A close second is “Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)” by Nancy Sinatra, from the movie Kill Bill: Volume I.

Is there a song on your player that is only there for someone else’s benefit? Most definitely. “Pocket Full Of Sunshine” by Natasha Bedingfield. This annoying song was Girlfriend’s doing… with it’s nice acoustic guitar, it’s infectious chorus, catchy melody… I’m going to shut up now.

What song or artist do you find yourself skipping most frequently and therefore should probably delete? John Mellencamp. Or is it John Cougar Mellencamp? The Mellencamp…whatever. I only have a few of his classics that I appreciate, but I have always skipped them more often than I’d let them play. Now that I’ve moved back to Indiana (his home state), all I need to do is turn on the damn radio if I ever feel like hearing the story of ol’ Jack & Diane… sheesh.

Without cheating, start your player and list the first 10 songs that come up in random play.
(Oh crap, the first random song just came up. Maybe I need to change an answer.)

“Push It” – Salt-N-Pepa (yikes)

“Death Blooms” – Mudvayne (heaviness)

“A Little Bitter” – Alice In Chains (another great soundtrack song, by the late Layne Stayley and co.)

“Gasoline” – Audioslave (I’ve been a Chris Cornell fan since Soundgarden – check out his acoustic version of Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean”

“God Put A Smile Upon Your Face” – Coldplay (one of their best)

“You Always Hurt The Ones You Love” – The Mills Brothers (a great Big Band-era group)

“Drive-Thru” – Tenacious D (this isn’t actually a song, I need to delete this)

“Welcome My Son” – Adam Sandler (weird that he came up again in this blog – I currently have 2,301 songs on my Ipod, and just three belong to Adam Sandler)

“I Will Survive” – Cake (this would be bad if it were Gloria Gaynor, which I don’t have)

“Christian Woman” – Type O Negative (funny dudes. no, really)

5 Comments

Filed under Funny, humor, Life, Lists, Movies, Music, Personal